The Top Ten Worst “Sexy” Halloween Costume Variants
As it’s almost Halloween, I’m sure you’re planning on getting dressed up in your favorite costume and hitting some festivities this weekend. If so, you’re probably anticipating the ever-popular trend of young ladies using the holiday as an excuse to bare as much flesh as possible.
Now, the trend of “sassy”, “sexy”, and even “slutty” costumes is certainly no new one. For years, Halloween parties have been rife with the healthy collection of sexy nurses, sexy witches, and the occasional play on Alice or Dorothy or some other iconic character. But it seems as if in recent years, the trend has ballooned a little out of control. And by 2010, it seems there’s nothing left to sexualize.
Or is there? Here’s a look at the ten most ridiculous variations on the “sexy lady” Halloween costume that I was able to come across this year.
10. Sexy Nemo
Because, you know, when I think sexy, I think of prepubescent clownfish with gimpy fins. Now, the foxy fish here is not actually an officially licensed Disney product, but that does not relieve them of guilt in this division. Elsewhere on the shelf, you might find the Sexy Peter Pan or Sexy Pinocchio costume that actually got the stamp of approval from the House of Mouse. The fact that those didn’t make the top ten means that there are some real gems to come.
9. Sexy Goes Green
Recycling is sexy! Or, at least, whoever made these costumes wants you to believe that. I’m not sure if it was just some random boardroom idea that resulted in these costumes’ existence, but I like to imagine that it’s a huge conspiracy by Al Gore to get impressionable young males to associate sex with saving the Earth. It can’t hurt, right?
8. Sexy Clowns
Hey, you know what’s always scary and never sexy? Clowns. Fucking clowns.
7. Sexy Candy Land
Remember that game you played as a kid? Good old Gum Drop Mountain and Candy Cane Forest? Those lovable characters like Princess Lolly and Queen Frostine and Lord Licorice and the ominous Gloppy the Molasses Monster? Hey, why not put all that crap on a tiny little dress and sell it to attention-seeking women! Insert your own “tart” pun here.
6. Sexy Ninja Turtles
Nothing says sexy like Mutagen-enhanced reptiles. With weapons. Who live in a sewer with a rat and pig out on pizza.
5. Sexy Spongebob
Television shows aimed at preschoolers are ideal for sexualization, right? Especially a character who is c) male, b) not human, and c) is about the least sexy shape in all of geometry.
4. Sexy Transformers
Robots. From space. Who are generally portrayed as male-gendered. I know, for myself, that I’ve been a little creeped out in the past by the fan fiction pieces where the Transformers were sexualized, but this may be taking it even farther than that. Couldn’t they at least have picked Arcee for this?
3. Sexy Pac-Man
Do these even count as costumes? Tiny, tiny little dresses with characters’ faces on them do not a costume make, if you ask me. These could only be made remotely amusing if the ghost dresses said “eat me” somewhere on them.
2. Sexy Horror Icons
The first one of these I encountered was Sexy Freddy. I thought to myself, “Self, why would anyone want to sexualize a child-molesting mass murderer whose skin is burnt up like a hot dog that was left in the microwave too long?” Then I found Leatherface, and realized that if all that’s okay, then inbred rednecks who wear their victims’ flesh must be kosher as well. Jason and Chucky were really just gravy at that point.
1. Sexy Sesame Street
And then, there was this. And while these costumes may not be as revealing as most of the other “sexy” costumes on the list, they still represent the worst of what society has come to. Really? Elmo? Cookie Monster? Big Bird? I mean, if this was the product of some renegade company who was skirting copyright issues (like many of these type costumes) I could kind of understand. But this is an officially licensed product by Children’s Television Workshop. And that makes me a sad Muppet.
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