As promised, we give you the greatest Bootleg toy there ever was...the Spider-Man Guitar!

Now, this package is fairly large, measuring about 24' wide by 10" long by 2" deep. It's in some pretty heavy corrugated cardboard, safely protecting the contents inside. The idea of a Spider-Man Guitar is a bit on the unusual side, but in the imaginative world of the bootleg toy, it's no great stretch of the imagination. As per usual, there are snippets of broken English interspersed along the item. Well, the first one is actually in perfectly proper English, but it doesn't stop it from being funny as hell:

IT WILL GIVE YOU INFINITE PLEASURE!

This type of caveat is something I might expect on something purchased at the local adult novelty store, but not a child's plaything. But I was willing to test this theory, so I'll look further into the packaging to see just what kind of infinite pleasure I'm entitled to.

Of course, there's also this little gem of a phrase:

THE animal voice of various interestings is with the wonderful music

Huh? What the hell is that supposed to mean? What is up with the animal voice? And since when can you pluralize "interesting"? This thing is just getting better, and we've only looked at one angle of the box's exterior so far.

So, let's take a look at the side:

Well, that's an new deal altogether. The Spider-Man Guitar is apparently not just a Spider-Man Guitar, but rather is a Spider-Man Animal Guitar. What the hell this means is still a mystery, and how animals can figure into a guitar is going to require a mind more creative than the one that I possess. So, let's take a look at the back of the box:

Along with the logos and phrases we saw on the other side, now we can catch a glimpse of the contents...and I'm practically speechless. I guess we know now what all this animal talk was all about, as there are various buttons that represent animals on the actual guitar. I'll even show you the descriptions they give on the packaging for the different functions of the buttons:

Sheep and Ducks and Hens and Frogs...

Dogs and Cows and Horses, which covers the animal sounds, and it would appear there is some flashing light that probably bops along with the sounds. But what happens when you push the creepy fetal-position Spider-Man button on the left?

Okay, so we have 10 keys which I imagine are going to produce little songs, but what is "Funny Enfant Song?" Are we going to have some singing French baby like that Jordy phenomenon from about ten years ago? I'm almost scared to find out. The box also mentions that the contents inside may vary from the description, so let's take a look at the actual guitar and see if it meets our expectations.

Well, aside from a missing cover on the LED, everything looks pretty hunky-dory. I'll even give you a closer look at the main body of the guitar:

So now you're saying, "That's nice and all, but how can we fully get the grasp of a toy guitar unless we can acually hear it?"

Funny you should ask. Thanks again to my wonderful girlfriend, who not only found this amazing item in a flea market in her hometown of Melbourne but also went through the trouble of converting some of the sounds that emanate from this beautiful monstrosity so that you can hear them as well.

First, let's hear the musical scale that one can play with the notes on the neck of the guitar.

Yeah, it's just a music scale so it's not all that interesting. So how about the "10 Dulcet Music" buttons that we assume play songs?

Some of those "various interestings" are better than others, but none of them match what happens when we finally cover the "Funny Enfant Song". And while I realize that Old MacDonald has already been covered in the above songs, that version pales in comparison to the grandpappy of them all. Warning: This is a full two minute rendition of the song, complete with animal sounds.

Wow. I'm speechless. I think that's Spider-Man singing, but I'd swear it was Elmo. The other animal buttons aren't nearly as interesting as the sounds found within this rendition of the song, and many of them are covered anyway. But there it is, in its full glory: The greatest bootleg toy I've ever seen. I think the world would be a much better place if everyone owned a Spider-Man Guitar. I know my world is much brighter now that I know that I can rock out with the web-slinger at my leisure.

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