FULL METAL JACKET 1987, Dir. Stanley Kubrick 116 min. Rated R. Starring: Matthew Modine, R. Lee Ermey, Adam Baldwin, Vincent D'Onofrio. Review by Noel Wood

Sargeant Hartman ruled. That's all there is to it. Actually, there is more to it. FULL METAL JACKET is quite possibly the coolest fucking movie ever made. Why? Because every other fucking word is a fucking swear word, that's why.

And that's not even the main reason why it's so cool. This movie sure as hell makes me never want to go in to the Marines. Or at least never go to Vietnam, although last I checked that war was over. This is quite the graphic view of war. War really is hell. Hell, war is nothing compared to boot camp.

I laughed my ass off the first time Hartman has an experience with that fat slob Leonard Lawrence. The way he makes jokes about his weight and calls him Pyle and shit. That's funny. I especially like the part where Hartman tells Pyle to choke himself. And later on when he finds the jelly doughnut in Pyle's foot locker and goes off on his weight again. And then there's all the gay humor, like the reacharound thing and the golfball through a garden hose thing.

And Joker is pretty damn funny too. There's the part where he says he doesn't believe in Jesus Christ and Hartman punches him in the stomach. That rally isn't very funny but it shows that this Matthew Modine guy has a pair. He has a tube steak, too. At least he says so when he tells that other guy he wants to slip it in to his sister.

Then there's Snowball. How did he get that name anyway? Is it a blow job thing? Does he go around saying "That's beautiful, man" in a stoner voice all the time? Did he buy some weed in front of the QwikStop in one of the deleted scenes from Parris Island? Snootchie Bootchies!

And those cadences are pretty funny too. You know, the rymes they shout out while jogging? the stuff about Eskimo pussy being cold and all that stuff? I think Kubrick should have enlisted me to write a few of my own. I'm sure I could come up with some good ones.

Then the movie gets all intense and shit. Like the scene where they all beat the hell out of Pyle with loaded socks that just goes to show that he's really a loser to begin with. Then there's that whole thing where Pyle freaks out on his last night on Parris Island and shoots Hartman and then kills himself. Really this is a freaked out point for me. All the humor goes away for the rest of the movie. Well, the scene where the guy steals Joker's camera in Vietnam is pretty funny but I would have rather seen a little sucky-sucky going on. As a matter of fact, I take back what I said about FULL METAL JACKET being the best movie of all time. It loses too much after they graduate from boot camp and it lacks good hardcore sex scenes. I now switch my vote to the 1995 cult hit FEMALIEN. Now that's a movie.