INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM 1985, Dir. Steven Spielberg 118 min. Rated PG. Starring: Harrison Ford, Kate Capshaw, Jonathan Ke Quan. Review by Chad J. Shonk

All right, we start with a big song and dance number. We got this stupid blond chick singing "Anything Goes", and that song's not all that cool to begin with. It's even less cool when she starts singing it in Cantonese or whatever.

And who the hell is this bitch? And where the fuck is Karen Allen? This Kate girl really can't sing, or act, or much of anything really. How the hell did she get in to this movie? Is she sleeping with the director or something?

Speaking of which, where's Sallah? Marion? Marcus? And WHO THE HELL IS THIS LITTLE ORIENTAL KID? Oh it's not a sequel, it's a prequel. So I guess I just have the plot to bitch about.

    

Well, let's start off with the only two good things about this movie:

1. SHORT ROUND. Yeah, he's the kid who played Data in the Goonies (see Donner, Richard: Pussy, Sloth, Chunk) but he's pretty damn funny. When he says "you call him Doctor Jones, doll" I almost cracked a rib laughing my ass off. And when he says "Hey Doctor Jones, no time for love" I almost shit myself every time. Then there's the part when he uses his slick shoes to make Marion Ramsey's thugs slip on the log allowing the kids to escape...oh wait, wrong movie.

2. They eat monkey brains in this movie. 'Nuff said.

Now we'll discuss what sucks:

1. Kate Capshaw. See above rant about who she screwed to get in to this movie.

2. Short Round. Sure, he's damn funny, but it's pretty stupid to give Indy a little kid for a sidekick. Mp> 3. The Prince kid. Who gives a rat's ass?

4. The rest of the kids. YAWN.

5. Kate Capshaw....oops, sorry.

6. Jumping form airplane to inflateable raft to save your life. Wow, I guess we don't need parachutes any more.

In summation, treat TEMPLE OF DOOM like you treat ROCKY V, THE GODFATHER III, and LEONARD PART 6.

Ignore it.