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THINGS THAT BUG US OTHER THAN JOEL SCHUMACHER FILMS
by Chad Shonk and Noel Wood

Things bug me. There are things in movies I just don't understand. I'm not talking "Why the hell did Bill Pullman turn in to that kid from YOUNG GUNS 2 and what is the signifigance of said transformation?" You're not supposed to understand David Lynch. That's part of his charm and his commercial downfall. No, I'm talking about things in movies that don't make a damn bit of sense. I think I'll share some of them with you.

1. I was watching THE SAINT. It's pretty stupid, but not entirely. In this movie, Elizabeth "Don't fuck with the babysitter" Shue plays a lonely scientist. Lonely. She sits around sad and reads poetry and doesn't think men find her attractive. And I'm thinking, "HOW THE HELL CAN SHE BE LONELY?!?!" This is a common Hollywood thing. The script requires the girl to be lonely and desperate for love. So let's cast the best damn looking actress we can find for the part. Sandra Bullock has made a fortune in such roles. You never see Lily Taylor or Martha Plimpton sitting around waiting for Prince Charming. It's always Sharon Stone or Michelle Pfeiffer or Alyssa Milano or Mira Sorvino or Renee Zellweger or Minnie Driver. I just don't understand it. I don't think we'll ever see a Prince Charming romantic comedy with Frances McDormand or Shelley Duvall, at least as long as Jennifer Aniston and Julia Roberts are still around.

2. People who don't think ARMY OF DARKNESS is funny. I just don't get that. How can you not laugh at "Gimme some sugar baby" or "This is my boom-stick" or Hail to the king, baby" or "Good, bad, I'm the guy with the gun."? That's funny shit. If you don't think this movie is side-splitting, I'll swallow your soul!

3. Car chase scenes. Do filmmakers really think they're going to thrill us with yet another car chase scene? We've seen every possible camera angle for a car to smash in to another. How many ravines have we seen by a vehicle too bulky to make that jump? How many times has our hero clung to the bottom of a truck, just able to escape in time? And I have a message to Michel Bay, Simon West, or whatever other fuckwranglers might be working for Bruckheimer studios this week: No matter what you substitute for a car, whether it be bus, hummer, moped, fire truck, skateboard, or fucking golf cart, it's STILL a car chase scene. It's no different. Get that through your head! It doesn't make it any better just because an ambulance is chasing two guys on rollerblades. It's the same trite movie experience.

4. People actually rent THE TIE THAT BINDS. People who have never seen CITIZEN KANE, DR. STRANGELOVE, or even JAWS, make the decision to rent THE TIE THAT BINDS. That bugs me.

5. There were four IRON EAGLE movies.

6. Arthur C. Clarke, Anthony Burgess, and Stephen King. Who the fuck do these half-wits think they are? They have the honor of having their novels turned in to Stanley Kubrick movies, and they spend the rest of their lives complaining? They can all line up to suck my cock. "Well I think the ending to 2001 was ambiguous so I'm going to write a whole series of books to explain what happened to Dave Bowman and why there's a fetus floating around in space because I don't have any other ideas in my pea-sized excuse for a brain." The best thing abou the end of 2001 is that you don't know what happens. You might have to THINK! "The only thing I hate about talking about A CLOCKWORK ORANGE the book is talking about the movie. I hated it because Kubrick left out my all important last chapter where Alex joins the circus and gets it on with the bearded lady while the dog faced boy watches and masturbates and videotapes it and sends it in to America's funniest Home Videos with Bob Saget who gets a stiffy because he has a thing for chicks with facial hair." Bite me, Mr. Burgess. You may be a great writer, but it's a great movie. "I don't think his version of THE SHINING is very scary or true to the literary masterpiece it's based on so I'm going to produce a TV version that's got the guy from Wings because my TV version of IT was so good. Next I'm gonna do my own version of THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION with Judd Nelson and Urkel because I don't like that Tim Robbins guy." I'm not going in to this. I think Bobby Jones said it best when he said "Stephen King can suck my dick".

7. Cheech and Chong movies. I just don't get it, really.

-You would if you were high. -Bobby

8. A girl came in and rented Branaugh's HAMLET. Her mom came in and asked to exchange it because she didn't want to see it. She couldn't make up her mind whether she wanted to see THE EVENING STAR or THE BEAUTICIAN AND THE BEAST. I don't understand wanting to see either of those movies over HAMLET. The world must be fucking mad.

9. Long drawn out death scenes. You know, in real life, when people die, they just die. Maybe they get a last word in, but it will probably be something like "Oh Shit" or "Fuck". But rarely when people are dying from horrible gunshot or knife wounds do they get a chance to make a speech before they jack in to the big black. Every action movie is the same. Hero's partner, doomed from the beginning (let's call him 'Corpse') gets shot fourteen times in the head and hero rushes to his side just in thime to hear Corpse say "Get 'em for me, buddy." So the hero now knows what to do, as if he wasn't going to get 'em anyway. This also sucks in chick-flick cancer movies. Do we really have to watch as Julia Roberts or Samantha Mathis or Diane Keaton slowly deteriorate from some disease while talking to their loved ones? Jeez, doesn't anyone die in their sleep anymore?

10.People who don't like John Wayne. Is he a Brando caliber actor? No, but he's the Duke. And he's the man. And he could kill you with a look. Wayne was a movie persona, an anchor for the audience to hold on to. He's so cool it's not even funny, pilgrim.

11. People who come up here and rent four thousand movies for their kids. Don't want to spend time taking care of them? Just plop them in front of the TV with Barney or Rugrats or Doug or MY NEIGHBOR TOTORO. Good call. They won't grow up to be antisocial misfits. No problem.

12. People who send their kids in to rent a movie while they wait in the car. Then they get pissed because I won't let their eight year old rent SHOWGIRLS. Lazy motherfuckers.

13. ROCKETMAN made more money than A LIFE LESS ORDINARY. Ouch. That smarts.

14. People who ask if THE ENGLISH PATIENT is any good. It only earned like nine oscars! SOMEONE must have liked it!

15. People who think that FRIED GREEN TOMATOES is the greatest movie of all time.

16. This week a local UHF station played PULP FICTION and rated it TV-MA but still cut out all the swearing. Why is it rated MA? It said for language and violence, but they cut out all the cussin' and most of the blood! They even cut the "God" from "Goddamn" even though it's said one thousand times per episode of South Park and that's rated TV-MA. What good is a ratings system when everything's still censored?

17. People who can't wait for the big hit that racked up at the Oscars the year before to hit the video stores and crawl out of the woodwork and pull knives and gouge eyes to get a copy they've been waiting months to see although they didn't give two shits about it when it came out in theatres because they were too busy with their discussions of which volcano movie was betteronly to suddenly turn around and lose all desire to see it when they realize it's two tapes long. Point of reference: SCHINDLER'S LIST, BRAVEHART, THE ENGLISH PATIENT, TITANIC.

18. People who don't get FARGO.

19. The fact that five years ago it was unheard of for a guy like Jim Carrey to receive 7 million for a single picture when now the asking price of Travolta, Hanks, Ah-nuld, and Gibson is never less than 20 or 25 million. And we wonder we have to hock our family jewels to see a matinee anymore.

20. Savage Steve Holland doesn't make movies anymore.

21. People who come in looking for BEETHOVEN'S 2ND who don't have any idea what Beethoven's second really is. Fucking dog movies. Also, people who rent DANTE'S PEAK and have probably never even opened a copy of The Inferno.

22. they never made SPACEBALLS 3: THE SEARCH FOR PART 2.

23. People who can't say SLING BLADE and pronounce it "SWing Blade".

Digg!



All Material Copyright © 1998-2006 Movie Criticism for the Retarded.

For questions, comments, or the occasional stalking letter, send mail to Noel Wood. Please give proper credit when using any materials found within this site.


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