THE RETARDED TELEVISION REPORT
Last week, due to popular demand (and by popular, I mean I suggested doing it to myself out loud one day and the other person in the room gave me a half-hearted affirmative on it) I decided to stray from the norm here and review the new WB television reality show, The Surreal Life. The response was overwhelming (and by overwhelming, I mean that one person responded with a "LOL" which I took as a compliment.) So in order to capitalize on this success, I've decided to keep going. Can I make it through all the weeks of this fine piece of American entertainment? Only time will tell.
Last week's Surreal Life was a full hour, allowing us time to meet all of our celebrity participants and learn some of their nuances. This week, the program has been curtailed to the regular duration of thirty minutes. Also, the Corey factor on this episode has been significantly toned down from the previous week. Being that Mr. Feldman has become an unofficial mascot of sorts here at For the Retarded, we decided to probe his highlights on the new series. This week, we'll have to go into more of the other peoples' bits as well to balance out the lowered Corey percentage.
We start off the show with a recap of last week. Corey! Vince! Gabrielle! Webster! Brande! Hammerman! That Survivor Chick! In a house! Fighting over groceries! Eating sushi off a nekkid lady! Sharing secrets! You get the picture, right? As the current episode begins, our crew is waking up at an hour that they don't seem too comfortable with. Hammer and Emmanuel Lewis greet each other with "Good Morning, my brother!", but nobody else seems to join in their camaraderie at this early time. After getting ready, the gang gets news of their day's planned activities: They's going camping! Camping, you ask? Why would celebrities camp? I mean, Corey Feldman himself pipes up and tells us that he's not prepared in any way to camp. He even asserts to Vince Neil that "Us Type People" don't camp. Of course, Jerry from Survivor thinks nothing of a night in the woods, and Lewis is apparently a natural-born camper. After the gang suits up and loads into the van, they set out for their big adventure.
As they travel, Corey decides to talk. And talk. And talk some more. He explains how he broke his two rules of dating (1. Never date a fan; and 2. Never date a girl he met at one of his shows) and goes into some other rants about how strong his convictions are. The rest of the gang looks a bit annoyed with Coreytalk, and we see them drifting off to sleep and the occasional interview snippet about them trying to change the subject or just plain wanting him to shut the hell up. There's only so much time the group can handle being in the car with Corey, so they decide to stop off at a greasy spoon to grab a spot of lunch.
The truckers enjoying their lunch are in for a big suprise, as this menagerie of Hollywood idols walk through the door. Lewis warms up to the drivers, Corey signs autographs and complains that he's been served the wrong beverage, and Hammer engages in a conversation with a trucker about sex addiction and the idea of a threesome with Brande and Jerry. The trucker's response to the idea is a heary "hell yeah!". Eventually, they finish up their meals, and head back out on the highway.
Finally arriving at their campsite, the gang is delighted to find a luxury tent and a gourmet chef standing by. However, they quickly learn that these quarters and amenities are reserved solely for the Survivor alum in the group. There is a bonus perk, though: Jerry gets to decide who she gets to share her digs with, narrowed down by a contest of sorts. The remaining participants pair up to perform in sort of a retarded triathalon, comprised of a three-legged race, a rowboat race, and finally a body-burying contest. The teams work out as follows: Gabrielle gets paired with Vince, Emmanuel tags up with Brande, and Corey and Hammer join up. With these pairings, let's look at the Vegas odds on who you'd think would have the advantages here:
Three Legged Race
Corey and Hammer seem to be the two in the best shape, and should easily take this contest. Gabrielle and Vince have the disadvantage of Vince's weight and Gabrielle's height, but could still be a contender. Brande and Manny have the distinct disadvantage of Manny's height, which pretty much ensures them as a non-factor here.
Of course, in retrospect, we should have guessed that part of this contest is untying themselves at the end, and the combined intelligence of Corey and Hammer ranks below that of the other groups, so while they reached their destination first, Gabrielle and Vince made it to the boats first.
Rowboat Race
Again, the physical conditioning of Hammer and Corey seems to dictate that they'd be the favorites here, while the other two teams fall slightly behind in the running.
In reality, we should have banked on the intelligence factor again, because Corey and Hammer wound up rowing around in circles until the sun started to set. This, of course, is only after they figured out you can't push a boat out to water with one person in it. Gabrielle and Vince take this one as well.
Burial Race
Whoever thought of this event was likely smoking something, but it definitely skews the last event in favor of Manny and Brande only because the hole they have to dig is so much smaller, if they're smart enough to realize how small Manny really is. The others are pretty close races as well.
Of course, our pick wins this one, with Manny being buried right up to his neck. Although Gabrielle and Vince got a headstart, thery had a lot more ground to cover here than their opposition. By the way, Hammer and Corey were still rowing in circles and never even made it this far.
So now that we have our winning pair, Manny and Brande, Jerry has to choose her bunkmate. She chooses Manny because he's "a good catch". While the rest of the crew noshes on hot dogs and baked beans, Manny and Jerry enjoy a chef-cooked meal complete with dessert. Corey tries to rain on their parade by smoking in their vicinity, and Jerry responds by telling him that if this were Survivor, he'd be voted off the island by now. Ouch.
The group has their bonding moments while gathered around the campfire, and Manny pulls out a kitchen knife to protect himself from Coyotes. Eventually, they all retire to their sleeping quarters, and Manny joins Jerry in the luxury tent to commence whatever ungodly acts of terror against nature could possibly be conjured up in there. We fade out to Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get it On" as Jerry repeatedly summons Manny to come to bed. Meanwhile, I cringe.
The next morning, Manny walks out with a huge shit-eating grin on his face, and the gang recounts how exciting and fun this bonding experience was. And so we conclude another week of The Surreal Life, with great expectations of what's to come in the next few weeks. Oh, woe is me for deciding to undertake this task of watching every episode.
THE SURREAL LIFE: EPISODE 2
Review by Noel Wood
Hammer/Corey 1-1
Gabrielle/Vince 5-2
Brande/Manny 8-1
Hammer/Corey 2-1
Gabrielle/Vince 3-1
Brande/Manny 5-1
Brande/Manny 3-2
Hammer/Corey 2-1
Gabrielle/Vince 3-1
