THE RETARDED TELEVISION REPORT
The third week of our favorite celebrity reality show has come and gone, and we here at Movie Criticism for the Retarded feel it our duty to continue our series of reports on the program. This week on The Surreal Life, we're promised to be treated to a talent show for charity, in which our resident celebrities will have to perform for an audience. Shouldn't be too hard for them, right? Well, let's find out, shall we?
It's morning in the Surreal house, and as everyone rises and shines, they learn of the day's festivities. Not only is this a talent show, but it's a backyard barbecue too. Hammer finds out he's to be providing the culinary expertise for the cookout, and the group finds out that they're the ones who have to sell the tickets to the event. Of course, to the victor goes the spoils: Whoever wins out little talent affair will be treated to a night in the before-unknown master suite, a luxurious private bedroom complete with a Playstation 2. Of course, these folks haven't competed in talent shows in years -- since the days before they were celebrities.
The gang heads to the local mall to sell tickets. Gabrielle uses her charms to sell the most tickets, but Vince Neil comes up with a much easier approach: He pops a hundred dollars of his own into the pot and gives away the tickets he has. I guess whatever works, right? Of course, it ain't hard to sell tickets to an event headlined by such superstars as Emmanuel Lewis, MC Hammer, and the illustrious Corey Feldman, right? Well, truth be told, they managed to pack the house. Now the question is what will our celebrity cast do to entertain this crowd, and more importantly, qualify them to get to sleep like royalty?
We get a glimpse of what they gang is gonna do tonight. For those who are feeling less than preparded, Vince Neil is there to play "dad". Corey feels that because he's a professional, he won't go into this thing unrehearsed. Gabrielle warms up her kazoo, getting tips from Vince. Jerry's toying with the idea of doing some spoken word material. Hammer and Manny are busting out their dance moves. Vince himself decides he's going to depart from his typical metal roots and sing the blues. Never to be outdone, Corey tries to enlist himself as Vince's backup on harmonica, "combining their talents". Vince doesn't really take this so well, preferring to do this on his own. Meanwhile, Corey places a call to Suzi, but for some reason, the voice track goes out. There's some talking by the gang, but it doesn't do us a bit of good if we can't hear what they say. I'm no lip reader, you know. We go to commercial, hopefully when we get back we'll have restored the sound.
Thankfully, we have audio again, and we find out who our special guest host for the evening is: Let's Make a Deal legend Monte Hall! Monte welcomes the crowd, who has hopefully gottewn to dine on some of Hammer's fine backyard cooking, and we get to the individual performances. So, without further adieu, here they are, along with my personal ratings on a scale from 1-10:
- Brande is out first. She is dressed in a cheerleader outfit, which we're not sure of its origins. She comes out and does a little breakdancing, but lacks a certain smoothness and fluidity in her motion. Besides that, the Cheerleader thing didn't fit. A good effort, but it just lacked some spirit. Rating: 5/10
- Gabrielle is next. She blows "When the Saints go Marching in" on her trusty kazoo. I guess, for what it was, it wasn't too bad of a performance, but really, how hard is it to play the kazoo? Rating: 6/10
- Corey decides to perform one of his own songs off his new album (which he shamelessly plugs) that he wrote for Suzi. Vince is employed to sing backup, which Vince feels is only because Corey needs his help to win. Someone holds a lighter up. Oh yeah, Corey is a shitty singer. Rating: 4/10
- Hammer is up next, under the guise of "Clive Rufus Brown". He dances, dressed in a Jheri-curl wig, sunglasses, and a white suit that makes him look like Flavor-Flav. He looks really out of practice, but at least the costume is good. Rating: 5/10
- Emmanuel is our next performer, introuduced by Hammer as "Manny Mo". Someone lays down a fat drumbeat and Hammer chants his name over and over again, while Manny dances. Really, it's a novelty act. The crowd eats it up, but I just don't get the appeal.Rating: 4/10
- Jerry is our next contestant. She brings up the other girls, all decked out in berets, and performs some beat-style poetry. We don't get to see much, but she looks more into it that anyone else so far. Pretty ironic, coming from the only non-performer in the bunch, huh? Rating: 7/10
- Finally, we get Vince. He brings up the entire gang and sings a little ditty called "The Surreal Life Blues". He sings a verse about each of the housemates, some of which are pretty amusing. Corey tries to steal his thunder by playing a blues riff on his guitar. Rating: 8/10
Well, the crowd narrowed the field down to two finalists: Manny and Vince. Upon the recount, it looks as if Vince has taken the solid victory, but he's humble about it, and gives Manny his props. Personally, I didn't think Manny was even in the running. I think people see him as a sideshow freak, but I still want to punch the guy in the face. Anyway, the gang gets a chance to mingle with the crowd, who lend some of their insight on the performances they've just witnessed.
The evening winds down with Vince inviting the gang into his winner's quarters to wind down with some video games. Jerry kicks Vince's butt in some boxing. Eventually, the house retires for the night, and Vince takes comfort in his King's quarters. Next week, it's a 90-minute Marathon, and it's VEGAS, BABY! I'll make sure I tune in, and you all should make sure to tune into my review here as well.
THE SURREAL LIFE: EPISODE 3
Review by Noel Wood
