THE RETARDED TELEVISION REPORT
Greetings and salutations again from Surreal Life Headquarters. I'm your tour guide through this bumpy ride through the course of televised celebrity insanity. This week we are delighted to present the sixth exciting week of everyone's favorite reality program, The Surreal Life. That's right, we've made it six weeks. Can you believe it? My heart is all aflutter this Valentine's day with Surreal delights.
After last week's lackluster episode, we're hoping for a winner this week. But it won't take much to show improvement. The "Boring Brande" subplot just isn't intriguing, and I'm wondering just why they decided to center an episode around her to begin with. Every episode has one person at the center, and there's seven cast members and seven episodes, so I figured each one would have their own show. But it just didn't work that way. The premeire was all about Corey, the camping trip was all Jerry, both the talent show and Vegas eps were all Vince (although I guess the Vegas one could be about Hammer), and last weeks was Brandefest 2003. Of course, next week's finale is the wedding, so it's all Corey. And this week's episode?
It's all Corey, baby.
This week is supposed to be about softball. Turns out it's just a big Corey Feldman strokefest. Again. As we join our crew this morning, we learn that while everyone else is up and ready for the day, Corey is in his room feeling sick. Is it butterflies? Cold feet? Or is he genuinely not feeling his O's today? Whatever it is, the wedding of the century is tomorrow, and Suzi's on her way over now.
Whatever. Fuck Corey. Today's supposed to be all about an intergender softball game featuring the Surreal Life cast, several Playboy Playmates, and some other interlopers. Brande and Hammer, with their athletic backgrounds, are chosen to head up their respective factions. Brande plays recreational fast pitch softball in her spare time, and Hammer used to be a bat boy for the Oakland A's.
But yet, we can't stop drifting over to the wedding. Gabby expresses her feelings about the situation, stating that the whole idea of Corey's wedding takes away from the general group fun that they're supposed to be partaking in. Can't say I disagree with her. The rabbi shows up for the ceremony and discusses some things with the future spouses. Corey and Suzi may have some friction between them. Only time will tell.
Anyway, back to softball. Vince decides it to be a good idea to call up his man-beast of a girlfriend, last seen on the Vegas trip two weeks ago, to help out on the girls' team. I'm not sure if he/she/it qualifies to participate on that team. Maybe they'll settle for an umpire position. Whatever. As the game starts, we learn Corey can't pitch. Wait, strike that. HE can't catch. Or run. Or anything at all really. All he knows how to do is whine that he should be at home preparing his wedding. Vince says that Corey's afraid of the ball. I think Corey's afraid of reality. And I still find it odd that little Reggie from The Bad News Bears takes one of the most lame strikeouts in softball history just watching.
The game goes on for a bit, and the girls have the lead. They start getting a little too competitive, whipping out the fast pitch while little Manny Mo is up to the plate. Manny retaliates by walking out on the game temporarily. Eventually they ease up and Manny rejoins. A few nice hits by the boys bring the game up to a more even pace. Vince hist a hard shot to right field which gets the crowd going. Vince, after all, made Varsity baseball in high school but refused to cut his hair. So instead, he became a world-famous rock star. Finally, Hammer drills a hard line drive that results in an in-the park homer and ties the game up. Right then, the umpire calls a time-limit draw and calls the game a tie. WHAT THE FUCK? Since when is a softball game timed? What ever happened to innings? And the game can't end in a tie. It's against the rules. what a fucking gyp.
On the way home from the game, Jerry makes a crack on Corey's lack of athletic prowess. He takes it very personally. And like everything else in his life, he makes more out of it than it really is. He brings it up again over dinner, and Jerry gets a little frustrated with him. Understandilbly. But Corey just doesn't want any negativity. We all know how sensitive he it.
He shows that sensitivity by goading Brande into calling Hugh Hefner and asking him to make an appearance at the wedding. Dude's still a starfucker. He and Suzi then retreat to privacy to discuss wedding plans. Corey doesn't have the wedding band they've picked out, so Suzi suggests using his Grandfather's band. I mean, that sounds like pretty neat idea and all, but Corey shoots it down because he wants to put the band on his bride's finger that she'll be wearing for eternity. But there's trouble in paradise here, as the couple seems to be getting cold feet. Suzi cries. Corey whines as a result of his own poor planning. Fuck them and their drama. You know why?
We got hot tub action.
The girls disrobe into bikinis (except for the conservative and matronly Gabby, who wears an oversized T-shirt with a bikini printed on it) and the boys join in. Then it's a midnight swim, and while Manny's doing half-gainers in the deep end, Hammer's showing off why they call him Hammer while galavanting about in a pair of black speedos. It's disturbing, but it's still a nice alternative to the whining Feldman drama we've had to endure for the majority of this episode, if not series.
Oh, and before we can go, we need one final shot of Corey in his room, crying his eyes out. It just ain't a real episode until the Feldman kid is in tears.
Next week, the final episode. It's a ceremony of holy matrimony for the ages, as Corey Felman and Suzi Sprague tie the knot and join hands in wedded bliss. Oh, the humanity. Thank God it's almost over, because I don't know if I can handle much more of chronicling these pathetic pleas for attention by the Feldmanator. I liked him better when he was just a lousy rock star.
THE SURREAL LIFE: EPISODE 6
Review by Noel Wood
