THE RETARDED TELEVISION REPORT
"What a long, strange trip it's been."
Now, normally, I'd never quote the Grateful Dead, but this time it seems appropriate. We've finally arrived at the last episode of everyone's favorite celebrity reality show, The Surreal Life, featuring the long-awaited wedding of Corey Feldman and Susie Sprague. I know it's only been six weeks since the inaugural episode, and only ten days to the folks in the house, but it sure seems like it's been an eternity. And as far as strange goes, well, if you've either seen an episode or read one of our reviews, you'd have to agree on that one.
SO, yes, this is the final episode, and while I've been rather entertained by the train wreck that the show has become, I'm kind of glad it's over. We've had some nice little Surreal dinner parties on Thursday nights over the past few weeks, but I'm kind of glad I don't have to put up with Corey and the gang any more. And I'm especially happy that I don't have to sit here and type a bunch of nonsense about nonsense anymore, at least until the second season rolls around.
We begin this week's episode where we left off last week: With Corey crying. He calls a house meeting, most likely as more of an excuse to cry. Of course, he explains to his housemates just how sensitive he really is. Brande wants to help him pack his things. Vince goes on record and states the obvious, that Corey is annoying. Anyway, they end the meeting with a group hug, Corey still wiping away tears, and then go to bed.
The next morning arrives, and tons of coordinators show up to start setting up the courtyard for the wedding. Of course, Corey wants to stick with tradition and not see the blusing bride before she walks down the aisle, so he keeps her distance while Susie chums it up with a bunch of old school pals. Her mother recounts a story of how after watching STAND BY ME she wrote a love note to Corey and how this was all destiny. Right, like Susie was the ONLY girl in the world who wrote a love note to Corey Feldman, or Corey Haim, or both. Meanwhile, Corey gets fitted in a vintage suit that the costumer refers to as a "Louis XIV" suit. Oh, and he feels that having both a rabbi and the reverend Hammer conducting the ceremony gives a "positive message of unity" or some other crap he probably read off a fortune cookie insert.
Things pick up steam as Hugh M. Hefner arrives with a bevy of Playmates. Corey does some bonding with "the boys": Manny, Hammer, and Vince. Hammer makes a note that Corey has changed and is now Corey "the Man" Feldman. Uh-huh. Whatever, Hammer. ANy credibility you gained over the last few weeks just got shot all to hell.
Finally, it's time for the ceremony. Corey is led down the aisle by some Playmate chick, which is kind of a weird setup to begin with. Oh, by the way, nice pantaloons, Corey. Susie then comes down to join him, and they exchange vows. Let the Weeping begin! Susie starts crying, then Corey, then randome people in the audience. Jerry says that now she knows "their love is real." Whatever, Jerry. You join Hammer in the severely-falling-down-the-ladder contingent this week for that remark. The only cool one left is Vince, and he's already made a snide remark about Corey this week, so he's up a notch.
We learn that Corey's middle name is Scott. We also hear Susie's last name pronounced no less than three different ways. Brande's dog barks during the ceremony, bringing some much-needed comic relief. They're joined in holy matrimony. Not one person objects. How disappointing. Oh well, it's party time.
Manny Mo announces the couple at the reception and leads a toast, a job usually reserved for the best man. Corey says he wants to do a song, and We're all cringing thinking he's going to be singing. Thankfully, he just gets Vince back to reprise hsi "Surreal Life Blues" from the talent show episode. The newlyweds say their goodbyes to the group and climb into the waiting limo. Jerry gains back some of her dignity by admitting that she's kind of relieved that he's gone. That night, the gang shares a final dinner together and talks about how much they've grown to love one another. Yeah, yeah, let's get this over with.
The next day the gang all say their goodbyes to one another and exit the house one by one. Tears well up in all the cast members, and Corey's not even there. Finally, Vince is the last man standing, and in true rock star fashion, hops on his motorcycle and rides off into the distance. I'm thinking that they all decided after Corey left and were talking about all seeing each other again soon that they were really only including the six of them. I'm still thinking the idea of Gabrielle Carteris stepping aside from her matronly duties to give Vince Neil a phone call is pretty funny.
And so that's it. Well, except for a parody of the "Friends" theme song and intro montage that the gang does which is all kinds of amusing once but I can see why it didn't get used more often. But the Surreal Life has been laid to rest for the time being, although the WB has decided to pick up a second season of the show, most likely with a whole new set of celebs. I've heard a few names get tossed around the rumor mill as to whom the network is pursuing, most notably Michael Jackson. Personally, I think the show should revolve around six other celebrities, but they should bring back Corey Feldman every season just to annoy the piss out of everybody. See how long it takes for someone to snap and shoot him.
Currently, using the format they have before and assuming they'll go for all-new stars, I'm gunning for the following cast: Corey Haim, Mr. T, Vanilla Ice, Gary Coleman, Kim Fields, Tiffany, and Tina Yothers. Other suggestions I've heard which are OK in my book include Sebastian Bach, Dustin Diamond, Raven-Symone, Leif Garrett, David Cassidy, and Pia Zadora. Whatever the new cast will be, I'm sure I'll be watching and writing about it all the way. Yes, I'm pathetic.
THE SURREAL LIFE: EPISODE 7
Review by Noel Wood
