A year in the life of Noel Wood

MY TOP THIRTEEN OF THE YEAR:

1. ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND - Charlie Kaufman, again, proves why I hate him: he's so brilliant that everyone else looks like they suck in comparison.
2. THE AVIATOR - Leonardo Dicaprio puts on the performance of the year. Oh my God, did I really write that?
3. BEFORE SUNSET - Probably the most necessary sequel ever made, although you won't realize it until after you see it.
4. SIDEWAYS - Made me really want a glass of wine.
5. SHAUN OF THE DEAD - It's a comedy. It's a horror flick. It's one of the most clever things you'll ever see.
6. TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE - America: fuck yeah!
7. KILL BILL VOLUME 2 - Better than the first, even better as a whole.
8. SPIDER-MAN 2 - The best comic book movie ever, even if you've never opened a comic book.
9. CLOSER - Great ensemble cast, great dialogue, great movie.
10. THE INCREDIBLES - If you thought Pixar couldn't top FINDING NEMO, think again. Brad Bird follows up the underappreciated IRON GIANT with another masterpiece.
11. HAROLD & KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE - Completely original, hysterically funny.
12. KINSEY - Some great performances in this biographical piece.
13. SUPER SIZE ME - Dear Michael Moore: Please see this film and remember that you used to be this good.

MY GUILTIEST PLEASURE OF THE YEAR:

ALIEN VS. PREDATOR - This was a bad movie. A bad movie that I liked way more than I should have.

FUNNIEST MOVIES OF THE YEAR (NOT LISTED ABOVE):

1. ANCHORMAN
2. NAPOLEON DYNAMITE
3. DODGEBALL
4. MEET THE FOCKERS
5. A DIRTY SHAME

DISAPPOINTMENTS OF THE YEAR:

1. GARDEN STATE - Overhyped? Probably. Way too pretentious for a first film, though, and more shallow than most people would leave you to believe.
2. THE LIFE AQUATIC FEATURING STEVE ZISSOU - Wes Anderson may be better on a bad day than most directors are on their best, but this was by far his weakest film to date.
3. FAHRENHEIT 9/11 - An example of what happens when your emotions get the best of you. Stick to exposing big business, Michael. And congratulations on alienating the moderates and mobilizing the rabid right wing to put your foil back in office for four more years.

MOVIES THAT WERE COMPLETE AND UTTER ASS:

1. THE STEPFORD WIVES - Why, why, why did I willingly drag myself out to see this piece of shit? Frank Oz, wha has happened to you?
2. JERSEY GIRL - Hang it up, Kevin. Really. You hit a wall a long time ago, and it's best to hang on to that one shred of dignity you once had.
3. THE VILLAGE - Mr. Shyalaman, your official membership in the useless hack club has been approved.

OTHER DECENT MOVIES I SAW THAT DON'T MAKE THE CUT:

I ROBOT, THE LADYKILLERS, THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST, SAVED!, SHREK 2, THE TERMINAL.

FAVORITE MALE PERFORMANCES:

1. Leonardo DiCaprio, THE AVIATOR
2. Paul Giamatti, SIDEWAYS
3. Jim Carrey, ETERNAL SUNSHINE...
4. Clive Owen, CLOSER
5. David Carradine,KILL BILL VOLUME 2
6. Peter Sarsgaard, KINSEY
7. Tobey Maguire, SPIDER-MAN 2
8. Bill Murray, THE LIFE AQUATIC...
9. Jim Caveziel, THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
10. Will Ferrell, ANCHORMAN

FAVORITE FEMALE PERFORMANCES:

1. Virginia Madsen, SIDEWAYS
2. Cate Blanchett, THE AVIATOR
3. Laura Linney, KINSEY
4. Kate Winslet, ETERNAL SUNSHINE...
5. Natalie Portman, CLOSER
6. Irma P. Hall, THE LADYKILLERS
7. Julie Delpy, BEFORE SUNSET
8. Uma Thurman, KILL BILL VOLUME 2
9. Anjelica Huston, THE LIFE AQUATIC...
10. Mandy Moore, SAVED!

THINGS THAT WILL PROBABLY RULE IN 2005...
KING KONG, THE WALLACE & GROMIT MOVIE, CORPSE BRIDE, CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY, WAR OF THE WORLDS, HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY, BATMAN BEGINS, STAR WARS EPISODE III, FANTASTIC FOUR

...AND THINGS THAT WILL PROBABLY SUCK:
THE DUKES OF HAZZARD, BEWITCHED, ELEKTRA, SON OF THE MASK, HERBIE: FULLY LOADED

AND FINALLY, FOR MY FAVORITE MOVIE MOMENT OF THE YEAR:
Neal Patrick Harris playing himself as an ecstasy-fueled car thief hanging out of the sunroof of a moving car while snorting cocaine off of a stripper's ass in HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE.